A Life of Love - III. Hearts Engaged - Chapter 4

Chapter 4

For a few weeks after Christmas, Bethany was testy and distant.  Severus tried to comfort her but she said she needed space because she was so angry that she was afraid she would take her frustration out on the nearest target, which was him.  So Severus spent more time away from her and instead spent time with his friends in order to give Bethany time to settle back down.  Her father was apparently causing her grief, trying to convince her to move into a separate dwelling.  He even threatened not to come to the wedding.  Bethany cried all afternoon the day he said that and nothing Severus could do would console her.  

After she finally went to bed, Severus snuck out to meet his group of friends to relieve some stress by practicing the Dark Arts.  That night, however, was different than the others.  There was a stranger at their meeting place.  He was the guest of Lucius Malfoy.  The strange man promised Severus and his friends the potential for great wealth and power.  He spoke of the Dark Lord and Severus could tell he was feeling them out for recruits.  The dark stranger showed them magical feats the likes of which they had never before seen and assured them that if they chose the right path and worked hard, they too would one day be like him.  Then, he showed them his left arm which bore the Dark Mark.  

'So,' thought Severus, 'That is a Death Eater.'  In his heart, Severus envied the man's ability, reputation, power, and sense of belonging to something greater.

---

The man came back to their meetings again and again.  Until one day, he chose a few of Severus's group to come with him to meet Lord Voldemort.  Severus was one of the chosen for he was willing to pledge his allegiance and gain the rewards of service and eventually the status of a Death Eater.  It was fortunate for him that he was chosen because the ones who backed out in fear were quickly dispatched by the Death Eater right there in front of Severus and the others.

“Lord Voldemort rewards courage and loyalty,” the man hissed.  “He despises cowardice.”

All the members that were left of Severus's group were horribly shaken.  They had just seen the Killing Curse done for the first time on humans, and those humans had been their good friends.   Several people started to get restless.  They looked to one another as though trying to determine a plan to get them out of this situation.  The obvious choice was to gang up and try to kill the Death Eater.  

The stranger must have sensed this because he said, “Besides, we could not risk them telling others who the Dark Lord's new servants are, since you are the chosen ones.  A few of you will even move on to be the elite of the Lord Voldemort's forces.”

This implication that as Voldemort's new servants they were guilty by association as well as the promise of being his elite seemed to mollify the group a bit.  Severus was still shaken, realizing he had plunged in over his head and there was certainly no backing out now.  So he put on a stone-faced exterior and acted as though the murders he had witnessed did not faze him.  Severus knew that he couldn't afford to seem weak no matter what happened.  He let himself fall back into his familiar old pattern of aloofness, bitterness, and a cold indifference for the world.  This attitude served him well.

That night he met Lord Voldemort and his minions.  The Dark Lord gave an impressive speech that swayed all the hearts who heard it to his side, including Severus's.  However, Voldemort would take only the best of this lot of newcomers, of which Severus and his friends were only a few.  By command of the Dark Lord, the newcomers were forced to duel each other to the death.  Voldemort would only take so many initiates to vie for Death Eater status.  For those positions, he would have only the most powerful and the most cunning.  

Severus escaped that night with his life, but he had pledged himself to Voldemort.  

---

The next day, Severus was exhausted and Bethany wondered what was wrong with him. However, he wouldn't talk about it.  Already hurt by her father's attitude, she took this as an insult and avoided him the rest of the day by bundling up and going out in the cold weather to study fairies.

Severus was twenty now, although his birthday had come and gone with much less bravado than Bethany usually put into it since she had recently had an altercation with her father.  Severus felt that at this age he needed to make some real money and a secure future for his soon-to-be family.  Lord Voldemort seemed like the inevitable winner in the power play of mighty wizards.  He had offered his followers riches, power, and glory.  More than that, though, Severus felt he could protect Bethany by being the insider in Voldemort's camp since Bethany and her family did not support anyone who was into the Dark Arts.  Severus felt that he could keep them safe from the Dark Lord.  They were pure-bloods after all even if they disagreed completely with Voldemort's ideas and methods.

Severus kept being assigned tasks by the Death Eaters.  These tasks tested his courage, cunning, and loyalty.  He advanced quickly and was taught new, more powerful spells.  Victims were brought before him to practice two out of the three Unforgivable Curses on.  He excelled at the Imperius Curse in particular.  He loved the power trip of forcing people to do what he commanded.  He wished he could use this spell in everyday life.  Besides, he preferred commanding people to causing pain with the Cruciatus Curse, since the victims were not people he hated.  He closed his eyes and imagined his father, his mother, Potter, Black, Lupin, Pettigrew, anyone who had ever deeply hurt him.  Then the Cruciatus Curse worked wonderfully.  

Personally, he would have rather given the victims poison and walked away than to directly attack an unarmed Muggle, Mudblood, or offending witch or wizard.  That way he wouldn't have to see the results of his actions.  However, Voldemort was watching him closely so he made sure he steeled himself and showed no signs of weakness.  

Severus, who had studied 'Legilimency' for years now, was taught to delve even deeper into the minds of others so that he could read their thoughts or implant false ideas there.  Some aspects of this worked like a Memory Charm so he continued to practice those too.  These charms were useful for when one needed to extract information from someone too important to kill but someone who couldn't be released without having their mind cleared of the encounter.  Severus thought of Bethany's father for this.  He imagined wiping the memory of or even the concern of Severus and Bethany living together from the man's mind.  

In a short time, Severus became even more proficient with the technique of Legilimency.  He was so adept that the Dark Lord noticed and pitted himself against Severus, who was no match for Voldemort and found the session excruciating.  The Dark Lord told Severus that he could become a master mind manipulator one day if he continued to practice against those better than he was.  So Severus kept on with the torturous sessions against adept Death Eaters.

Lord Voldemort also had his followers practice 'Occlumency,' the art of shielding one’s mind from those probing with Legilimency.  After all, Voldemort didn’t want any of his enemies to be able to pry into the minds of his servants.  He assumed that he was too adept at Legilimency for anyone beneath him to hide thoughts from him.  However, Severus had practice Occlumency since his school days, so that no one would be able to penetrate his thoughts.  

It was this skill that helped him save Bethany from becoming known to Voldemort.  As long as he could keep The Dark Lord and his Death Eaters from finding about Bethany by probing his mind, he assumed she would be safe.  He did not realize the close watch that was put on all new initiates.  

---

Severus came home late at night more frequently or else he left in the middle of the night.  Bethany began to worry.  She didn't know what he was doing.  He had never spent so much time away from her.

One day as he was sitting on the couch reading up on some ingredients for a new potion he was working on, Bethany came and stood in front of him.  She looked distraught, as though she had been crying.  She also looked scared and angry.  Her lower lip quivered.

She said, “Who is she?  And you better damned well not say Lily Potter!”

“What?” Severus said, not comprehending even when Bethany pointed her wand at him.

“I want to know her name.”

“Whose name?” he asked baffled.  She seemed so furious that he was worried she would really use a spell on him.

“Don't offend my intelligence by pretending with me.  You go away in the evening and don't come home until late at night.  You have even snuck off during the middle of the night when you thought I was sleeping.  Do you think I can sleep when you leave our bed without telling me where you are going?”  Bethany was trembling with rage now.  

“You tell that me that you're over at friends' houses.  Well, I've tried to get in touch with those friends and I can't even find them.  The ones I do find say they haven't seen you in weeks.  All your excuses have fallen through.  So don't patronize me,” she said, her wand shaking at him. “And tell me who the other woman is or by god I will use the Cruciatus Curse on you!  I may never have done it on anyone before but trust me I have enough rage in me to mean it.  So it will work.  It may be worth a lifetime in Azkaban if she's who I think she is.”

“Oh no!” Severus said quickly, more worried about her sanity that the Cruciatus Curse which he'd been forced to experience many times now.  “It's not what you think.  There is no other woman.  I swear on my life you’re the only woman I want.  You're the only woman I've ever been with for god's sake.  I don't want anyone but you, including the person you are thinking of.”

Her shaking died down some but she said, “I checked on all your excuses when you bothered to give any.  They were all lies.  How can I believe you now?  Tell me where you have really been all this  time!”

His heart sank.  For her own sake he must protect her from the knowledge of what he was involved in.  “I-I can't tell you.  I'm sorry.  But you must believe me.  It's not anything to do with another woman.”

“Don't make me do this,” she cried, unable to stop shaking.  “I can barely control myself already.  Don't make it worse with more lies.  You know there is nothing you can't tell me.”

“I can't tell you this.”

“Remember what I said long ago on the night you wouldn't tell me how Potter saved your life?”

“You said something like about secrets driving a wedge between us and ruining relationships in general.”

“Well, if you can't give me a good reason, then I swear I will pack my things, leave this place, and you will never see me again once I've walked out that door.”

“No!” said Severus, now with tears in his eyes.  This secret was tormenting him.  He was going to lose Bethany.  “Please, my secrecy keeps you safe.”

“I don't need protecting from the truth.  I am warning you for the last time.”

Severus said nothing.  Bethany trembled in towering rage and fear like someone about to collapse.  Severus struggled for the answer that would hurt her the least.    

“Put me under the Cruciatus Curse as many times as you like but there is no woman to admit to.  I'm under orders from a higher authority not to tell anyone, including you for your own safety, just like last time with Dumbledore and the other secret.”

She looked at him like he was lying, yet there was hope in her eyes.  “Who's orders?”

“I can't say or I'll give everything away.”

“Yeah right,” she said with knitted brows and aimed her wand more steadily.

“Alright,” he said defeated. “Go to my lab and bring back some Veritaserum.  You know what that is used for and what it looks like, right?”

She nodded her head.

“Right.  Well bring down a vial and I'll drink it.  Then you can ask me any questions you want and you know I'll have to answer truthfully.  We could both get in deep trouble for doing this but at least I can honestly say it was against my own free will when I told you.”

She nodded, still in shock.  But the idea seemed acceptable to her.  She knew what Veritaserum looked like even when not labeled.  Bethany ran up the stairs two at a time to his lab.  Once she found the serum, she brought it back down and made sure he drank the whole vial.  She wanted to know the absolute truth that may lay hidden in the darkest corners of his cunning mind.

The first question she asked was, “Are you being unfaithful to me?”

“No,” he answered. “I never would.”

She went mute for a moment and then let out a great sigh of relief.  Then her eyes narrowed.

“I forgot.  Have you ever in the past been unfaithful to me.”

“No,” he assured her.

“What about Lily Potter?”

“Your questions need to be more specific.  I have never done nor do I plan to do anything sexual with Lily either before or after she was married.”

“Do you still love her?”  Bethany braced herself for his answer.

“Yes,” he said quietly to the floor, his heart pounding painfully and his face flushing with shame.  

Bethany's tears began to flow.

“Listen.  Listen.  I don't love her as much as I love you and not in the same way.  I love her because she was one of my only friends as a child and also the first crush I ever had.  But I've already told you that before.”

“I had hoped you had finally forgotten about her.”

“I won't.  I never will.  That is like expecting you to forget your first friend or first crush.  I wouldn't expect you not to still care what happens to those people, especially if you had dreams of dating them for years.  I mean I wouldn't want to hear it all the time.  But how often do I bring up Lily?”

“You don't.  I bring her up,” Bethany said sullenly.

“Exactly.  Anything else?”

“Yes,” she said breaking out of a reverie.  “Tell me what happened that night that Potter saved your life.  Why do you owe him a life-debt?”

Severus staved off the serum's power long enough to say.  “I promised I wouldn't.”

“Not under the influence of Veritaserum, you didn't,” she said slyly.

So he told her the story of Black's prank and seeing Lupin change into a werewolf and Potter saving him by pulling him back out of the tunnel.

"So Lupin's a werewolf, eh?  Well, I would never have guessed that.  Don't worry, Honey, I won't tell anyone.  Besides I think we've seen the last of him.”

“You had better hurry if you have any more questions,” Severus told her.

“Right,” she said, remembering the point of this inquisition.

“What are you doing when you sneak away at night?”

He sighed deeply.  “Going to meet friends both old and new with whom I practice the Dark Arts.”

“The Dark Arts?” she gasped, completely taken aback. “But I thought you gave that up years ago.”

“No, I never gave it up,” he said.  Tears formed in his eyes for he knew he was about to admit something that may cost him Bethany's love.  “I just let you believe that I had stopped.  It's what you wanted to believe.  I never told you otherwise.  You just never saw me doing it.  I hid it from you because I didn't want to lose you . . . like I did Lily.”  He winced in expectation of Bethany's reaction to his admission, especially the part about Lily.

“Oh,” was all she said for a long time.  Finally, she said, “I understand why you wanted to keep it hidden, but you should know me well enough to know that I wouldn't leave you over that.  It's a bit scary.  But it's not like I haven't used the Arts myself before.  I'm not like Lily in that regard.  Look at what I almost did tonight.”  She paused, “I had every intention of putting you under the Cruciatus Curse if you couldn't prove your loyalty.  I can easily forgive you hiding your practices if you can forgive me for what I intended.”

“Of course, I can,” he sighed with relief and beckoned her into his arms.  “I should have known your love ran deeper than my fear.  After all, you are always telling me you won't ever leave me.  For some reason, I put conditions on your love anyway.  It was wrong of me to hide something so important from you.  I see why you thought I was cheating on you now.  If I had betrayed our love, I would have deserved the Cruciatus Curse.  I would lay odds that if you were angry enough, you could really damage someone with that spell.  I've experienced some painful hits with that curse but I bet you could rival the best if you were motivated to.”

“Wait,” she said, “Are you and your friends using these curses on each other?”

“Yes.  We have to apply the curses, after all, to see how effective we are and to increase our power in those abilities and in resisting those abilities.”

“To what purpose though?”

“Defense, offense, to be the best prepared if we ever need to use them against powerful enemies.”

“What enemies are you expecting?”

“Less like expecting and more like seeking out.”

“Seeking out?  Are you doing this to wreak revenge on people from your past?”

“So far I have not.  But the idea often tempts me.  However, I have to keep a low profile.  If everyone I ever hated suddenly ended up cursed or dead, it would look awfully suspicious.”

Bethany thought for a moment, taking in all that he had said.  Then she remembered that he had mentioned being under orders not to tell her these things.

“Whose orders are you under not to tell me about these sparring matches?  Not Dumbledore’s surely?  But I can't imagine who else you would let tell you what to do and not to do.  You are so independent from authority.”

“Not any more,” he said dryly.  Severus steeled himself for her reaction.  “Now I serve Lord Voldemort.”

Bethany was stunned speechless for a moment as the gravity of Severus's statement sunk in.

“V-v-voldemort,” she stumbled over the name.  “You serve the Dark Lord.  No!  It can't be.”

“Well, it is.  And I am still under the influence of the Veritaserum so you know it's the truth.”

“But why?” was all she could manage to say.

“Because there is a war of powers going on.  I thought it best to join the side most likely to win for our safety and the safety of our future family.”

“Dumbledore is more powerful than Voldemort!” Bethany retorted.  “You've chosen the wrong side, not only because it’s the losing side but also because it’s evil.  How could you do this without consulting me first?  You know my feelings and my family's feelings about the Dark Lord.”

“First off, Dumbledore may be more powerful now, but Voldemort's powers are growing and soon he will be the stronger one.  Second, he may be evil but he is going to win and I have to protect you.  Third, I did what I thought was best.  I didn't tell you because I do know how you feel about the subject and I didn't want to deal with your objections.  I know that sounds bad but it is the truth.  Lastly, your parents may not be in our lives much longer if they don't even want to come to our wedding.  Besides, this is our life together and has nothing to do with them.”

“Yet, you know how they feel about what we do reflecting poorly on them if for no other reason than because of the argument we are currently having with them.  This is way worse than us living together.  How can you champion such an obvious evil?  And why do you think we would be safe under his rule?  He could kill us for displeasing him or even for his own amusement.  He is evil.  I don't feel safe at all knowing this.”

“The reasons I support him are manifold.  First, as an assistant to him I ensure that I will have wealth, power, an influential group of friends, and the leeway to get revenge on anyone who has or will dare to cross me.  Er, I hate admitting this but it is a power trip in a way to make up for all those times that I couldn't fight back.  Yes, Voldemort could kill us for sport but if I am a valuable asset to him he won't do that.  If I don't fail him, he will have no reason to destroy me.  Besides, there are other reasons to keep supporting him.  One is that I already know too much to leave.  Another is that the Death Eater who recruited us killed several of my friends who tried to back out or were not up to par.  That is why you haven't been able to contact them.  The Dark Lord also made us duel to the death with other initiates in front of himself and the Death Eaters.  So I have to stay up to standard if I want to advance or even just to not be killed.”

“Oh Sevy,” she cried out, tears flowing.  “I could lose you at any time.  He could kill you or send you on a mission in which you die.  He could even kill me if you disappoint him although he may still need you.  All I see coming from this choice of yours is bad ends.  And yet you say it is too late to turn back.  What have you done?”

A tremor of worry ran through Severus.  What had he done?  There was nothing for it now than to try to advance in favour with the Dark Lord in order to keep Bethany and himself alive and well off.

“So,” Severus said tentatively.  “Now that you know all this, what are you going to do?”

“The only thing I can.  Keep my mouth shut and hope that someday this will all end well, though I don't see how it could.  Even if Voldemort loses, you will go to Azkaban prison for the rest of your life.  Maybe I will too just by being your wife and knowing about your involvement.”

“Then you aren't going to leave me?” he asked, his hopes rising.  

“No, of course not, My Love.  I will stay with you until the end as I always swore I would.  But you have doomed us both.”

Continued in A Life of Love IV. Testament to Love

---