Never Alone

Never Alone

It had been the worst day of my life. As I pulled the large red velvet drapes closed over the window in my bedroom, I let out a long, audible sigh. I stood there for a moment in the muted darkness of the room, and could feel the warm glow of the fireplace at my back. With the bedroom door closed, and the rest of the house long since asleep, I was overwhelmed with the urge to be free.

I pulled at the shoulders of my dressing gown, anxiously clawing at the delicate silk and velvet in a desperate flurry of motion. As soon as the last of my undergarments hit the floor, I felt the tears welling up again.

Standing there in my room, alone, nude and crying, I threw my hands in the air and breathed a silent scream towards the Maker. Wordless, only the sound of air escaping my lips, but the intent was just the same as if it had been piercing and ear-shattering. All of my anger, my fear, my grief, my loss, I threw it all up to the Maker in that one silent scream. I pulled my hands back to my sides, and embraced myself across my chest.

Quiet tears continued to fall as I made my way over to the bed. I didn't bother to remove any pillows, or pull back the blankets. I simply crawled up onto them, and found myself curled in a ball, my forehead and knees touching as I pulled the rest of my body in tight. My hair was falling into my face, and for a second I wondered what a mess I must look like, but then the thought faded as I quickly reprimanded myself for being so selfish. Why should I worry about my appearance, my hair being a mess...when my mother will never be able to brush her hair again...never be able to have me sit at her heels and braid my hair. She would never sing, or eat, or make cakes...she was gone. She was gone, and I was alone.

A noise came suddenly from my bedroom door, a soft but clear tap, tap, tap. I wondered if I had woken someone up with the sound of my weeping, but knew that the walls of the estate were thick and that I hadn't been making that much noise. I couldn't imagine who it would possibly be, knocking at my bedroom door at this time of the night. I didn't care, either. Whoever it was, they would come back some other time, if they knew what was good for them.

Again, the tap, tap, tap came at the door, slightly louder and more insistent this time. I sighed and rolled my eyes, and felt the magic inside me bubbling up from the depths of my soul. I was in no state to be seen, and I was in no state to deal with anyone. I had always been very good at keeping control of my magic, but there had been times in my life where the control had all but disappeared. Like when father had passed, and when Bethany had been crushed by that ogre. Times like that, my magic tended to do my thinking and acting for me, and things usually ended up in tatters, or worse.

Once, when I was about thirteen years old, I had been out helping mother in the garden when I came across a small bird. It was wounded, and mother had let me take the bird into the shed and for a few days I had tried to nurse it back to health. Carver and Bethany had been curious as to what I was up to in the shed, but father had told them not to disturb me. I was trying to use my magic to heal the bird, and it was working, albeit slowly. The bird was almost back to full health, when Carver burst into the shed and startled me. He ended up losing his eyebrows, eyelashes, and the front part of his hair...and the bird. The bird was dinner that night, as it had gotten the brunt of my fireball and died almost instantly.

Knock, knock, knock, came the noise at my door again, pulling me harshly out of the memory I had unintentionally found myself revisiting. Clearly the person was not going to go away, and the more annoyed this fact made me, the more alive the tips of my fingers felt. I wasn't sure what particular field of magic was about to show itself, but it was coming, and I knew I was not in the right frame of mind to stop it. Depending on who was on the other side of the door, I didn't know if I would care to stop it even if I could.

"WHAT?!" I shouted at the door in a firm but quiet voice. Whoever they were, I didn't want to wake up the rest of the house for them.

"Elaine, may I come in?" The voice was quiet too, soft-spoken, and male. Another sigh flew from my lips, as I recognized the voice belonged to Anders.

"Wait a moment, I'm not dressed."

Resignedly I uncurled myself from the fetal position I was in and pushed myself to the edge of the bed. If it had been anyone else, even Varric, I would have told them to sod off. Anders however, I could never say no to that man. In fact, as I moved quickly to collect my dressing gown from the floor, my heart skipped a beat and the usual butterflies began to beat heavily against the wall of my stomach. I truly loved Anders, and was glad to have been rescued from my despair by him.

I pulled the dressing gown tight around my waist, and leaving the discarded undergarments where they lay, I made my way to the bed. Sitting on the edge tentatively, I called out that the door was open, and that he could enter.

He moved slowly, cautiously into the room, closing the door behind him. I heard him inhale deeply as if he was steeling himself for the unknown. He had never seen me this way, and I'm sure he was wary of how I would react to his presence, let alone his words.

"I know nothing I say will change it. I'm just...I'm sorry." The words washed over me, and the tears that had only just dried threatened to come again. He paused on his approach to my side, and I looked sideways at him, but was unable to make eye contact. I knew that if I looked into his kind eyes, saw his soft lips, that the tears would fall and I wouldn't be able to stop them.

He resumed his approach towards me as I looked away again, staring at my feet and sighing deeply.

"You were lucky to have her as long as you did. When the pain fades, that's what will matter." He had stopped again, just a few feet from me now. I could feel him looking down at me, and I could hear the strain in his voice as though his own tears were trying to break free.

"I appreciate it, Anders." I said quietly as Anders finally closed the space between us and sat down beside me on the bed. He was careful to remain just far enough away that we were close, but not touching. Again, as someone who struggled every day with keeping the spirit of Vengeance inside himself at bay, he must have known that one as powerful as I would still be potentially dangerous to him, or even myself should something set me off. He was right to be cautious, as even though I had felt the fury and the crackling at my fingertips subside, I knew it was still there and left unchecked, it could flare up and hurt us both.

"I'm here for you, whatever you need."

I sat for a moment, turning to look at him again but still avoiding looking him in the eyes. As though he could feel that I was intentionally avoiding his eye, he slowly reached down and ever so gently cupped his hand on my chin. I flinched, felt the magic tingle again at my fingertips, and knew that the magic threatening to come forth was my spirit healing. It was a relief to know that it was not one of my more deadly magics, and was curious now to see what spell might show itself if left to it's own devices.

I let Anders move my chin upwards, and as my gaze approached his eyes, I closed my eyes momentarily. I didn't want to cry anymore, and I didn't want him to cry either.

"Elaine," he said quietly, and the sound of him speaking my name so softly, and so close to my face, I let go of the tight grip I had on my magic, and let it flow out from my fingers, even from my whole being. I opened my eyes as I heard Anders gasp, and saw a soft blue glow emanating from my body, and suddenly I felt so much better. My healing aura had activated, and was filling the room with the gentle blue glow of it's power.

With my eyes now open, I found myself looking directly into Anders' eyes, and the expression held there made the tears want to flow, but it seemed as though the aura I had released was now keeping them at bay. There was such an incredible tenderness in his gaze, and I felt bad for a moment at leaving that wonderful expression go so long without my seeing it.

Anders and I moved simultaneously to close the space between us, and Anders kissed me so gently at first. His lips moved across mine and I heard him exhale, as if he had been holding his breath this entire time. The kiss started out softly, but as if taking his cues from my reactions, Anders began to kiss me more fiercely, as he hungrily kissed me deeper. He moved the hand he had on my chin and placed it behind my head, at the top of my neck, as if he was holding me there in case I decided to pull away. Normally the thought of being held down would terrify me and cause me to lash out, but his hand didn't feel confining, it felt safe.

As the kiss deepened further, and his grip on the back of my neck tightened, the glow from my aura grew stronger, and had enveloped us both as Anders' own magic joined in. I could see the fierce blue glow showing from behind his closed eyelids as I felt a kind of cold heat begin to pulse through his lips, his tongue as it penetrated my open lips and eagerly sought out my own.

The room was now tingling with the combination of our powers, and it made every nerve ending in my skin seem to stand to attention. If it had been in any other situation, it might have been painful, but in this moment, it was amazing. It felt as if every part of me, stretching out in my aura was reaching out and stroking every part of him, as it basked along the beauty of his body.

A small gasp escaped my lips as Anders pulled back for the smallest of moments. He had wrapped his hand at the base of my neck deep into my hair, and he pulled firmly but not enough to hurt, as his other hand delved into my dressing gown. He used the hand entwined in my hair to pull me down towards the bed, as his other hand found my left breast and his fingers began to dance delicately along the erect nipple he found there.

Anders was now on top of me, the icy heat of his power now beating outwards onto my skin as my dressing gown fell open exposing my breasts to the intensity of his power. His lips never left mine, and his tongue swirled around with my own, as he explored deeper into my mouth. His hand on my breast was now kneading firmly but gently while his fingers pinched at my erect nipple.

Anders knew, from talks we had had after we had made love that I didn't mind him taking charge. I craved being taken and being submissive in the bedroom, as being in charge during the waking hours grew exhausting. It felt amazing to have him take control of me, and even though he had seemed a little unsure of how far he could go with being a Top to my bottom, he had warmed quickly to the idea, and seemed to thrive in being able to have me bend to his every whim.

His deep kissing stopped abruptly as he took his hand away from my neck and used it to pull my legs that had been dangling off the edge of the bed up onto the bed with the rest of us. He moved me up towards the head of the bed, and in one fluid motion pulled the dressing gown from underneath me and threw it off into one of the dark corners of the room. Anders leaned down towards my face, and I thought he was going to kiss me again, but he just paused and looked deeply into my eyes. The blue fire that was there had abated some, letting me look at his beautiful eyes.

"Tell me to stop, and I will." His voice was hushed, and I knew that he meant every word. Even though I could feel him pressing against my thigh, and that he was hard and ready, I knew that if I said stop, he would, without question. I realized in that moment that this is what I needed. It was helping take my mind off the day, and as selfish as it had felt to realize that Anders had managed to make me forget about everything that had happened today, I didn't care. I just wanted him to keep touching me, keep kissing me, keep me in this moment so I didn't have to face the pain of losing my mother until I was ready.

"No, never stop, I need this...I need you." My voice was husky and deep, but it seemed as though my words had touched something deep within Anders, and the look in his eyes darkened. He leaned back down towards my neck this time, and it felt at first as though he was nuzzling me. I gasped sharply as I felt his teeth sink into the tender flesh of my neck, and as my eyes rolled closed and my back arched, the gasp was quickly replaced by a deep moan. My moan was matched by his own, which was hot and vibrated against the skin at my neck.

I felt his right hand begin to wander down my body as it made it's way to my hip. I watched as he sat upright and with his other hand, began to unclasp the straps on his robe. I pulled myself up into a sitting position and helped him. Within moments, he was as nude as I was, and he was pulling at my legs and positioning them around his own, granting him access full access to me. He leaned down towards my mouth and began to kiss me again, just as probing and deep as before. Only this time, there was an unspoken urgency to his kissing, and as he placed one hand on my neck, holding my chin and head in place, he entered me.

He thrust easily into me, as ready to enter me as I was to accept him. I reached up to put my hand on his shoulder, but he took his hand and pushed my wrist into the bed, holding it there. Before I had the chance to do it with my other hand, he reached down and pushed my other wrist onto the bed, as he arched his back so he could thrust even further inside me. A moan ripped from my mouth, and as soon as it started, Anders leaned down and placed his mouth over my own. He was kissing me deeply again, simultaneously thrusting with his hips and his tongue.

I continued to moan into his mouth as he held me down, and his pace became more fevered. I could feel my own release building as Anders pulled away from my mouth and looked down into my eyes. The blue fire had returned, but it was burning darkly this time.

"I love you, Elaine," he whispered as he continued to thrust himself inside me, but even though I wanted to close my eyes, to prepare myself to the overwhelming tide about to wash over me, I continued to stare into his gaze.

"I love you, Anders," I whispered in between moans. At that moment, Anders released his grip on my wrists and pulled me against him, wrapping his arms around me. With one arm, he pulled me up to meet his chest, and to enable him to penetrate me even deeper, while the other arm propped himself up, holding us in this position.

"Oh, Maker!" I shouted as the waves of my orgasm began to wash over me, and I began to claw at Anders' back. The blue glow of my healing aura began to pulse and the glow was steadily becoming a bright. almost blinding blue fire that matched the one in Anders' eyes. The sensation of reaching my release must have thrust Anders over his own threshold, and he gripped even more tightly against my back, crushing me into him.

"Elaine! Oh, my Maker! Oh, Elaine!" The words tumbled out of his mouth as orgasm hit. I could feel him releasing into me as my own orgasm caused me to clench and release against his own. It was incredibly intense, and I felt my eyes roll back as I let the pleasure envelope my entire being. Even with my eyes closed, I could see the blue fire of my aura, and could feel Anders own magic entwined with mine. In that moment, our entire beings, mind, soul, magic...they were one.

As the waves of our orgasms began to subside, Anders lowered my body back to the bed, and he followed. For a moment he was laying on top of me, but he felt weightless. I finally could open my eyes, and as I did, I found him looking down at me, a soft smile forming at the corners of his lips. I opened my mouth to speak, but he leaned down and kissed me again, this time just as gently as the first kiss he had given me tonight.

"Anders, I..." I started softly, having to clear my throat in order for my voice not to break. The pleasure of the orgasm was disappearing quickly, and the wave of emotions that normally followed were more intense than I had ever felt before. Suddenly it all came rushing back, about my mother...but it was mixed with the deep feelings I had for Anders. The mixture of grief and love was pulling at my soul, and suddenly there were tears again, flowing down my cheeks and falling towards the bed and into my blonde unruly hair.

"My love, it's okay. Cry if you need to. I'm right here."

I let Anders pull me into an embrace as we lay there on the bed, and the tears felt like the would never stop. He stroked my hair, and whispered soft words that I couldn't understand into my ear. I knew now, that even though I thought I had lost everything as I held my mother in my arms, begging her not to leave me all alone, that I wasn't. I had Anders. I had my friends, and I knew that I would never truly be alone ever again.

---