Swords, Sorcery, and Sex in the World of Greyhawk - Chapter 5 - Part 8

Chapter 5: Doggy Style - Part 8

As they made their way between the tables, Ashley stopped in her tracks, fascinated by a man beating his head against a table. His white hair stuck out in all directions, like Einstein on a bad hair day and he cursed non-stop under his breath. The table was covered in disorganized papers, some held down by a tumbler of amber liquid. Her eyes scanned them, making sense of what looked like chicken scratches to Casmir and Maria. Sensing her regard, the man stopped his self-abuse to glare up at her from under thick eyebrows.

"Is there a fucking problem?"

"Oh. Sorry." She started. He wasn't as old as his hair suggested, she thought, looking at him.

Before she could say anything more, Casmir pulled her away with a strong grip on her arm.

"Damn it. How in the Nine Hells can I work with gawkers like this?! Imbeciles, the whole fucking lot of them. If they would fuck-" His tirade stopped abruptly as he started gnawing on his quill.

"You should be more careful, Vilna." He said when they were out of earshot. That is Harinu, a powerful wizard."

"A wizard? Really?" She asked. "But why..."

"A master of the Wild Magic."

"Wild Magic?" Ashley asked.

"Gah- I keep forgetting how little you know. Or how little you think you do." He added meaningfully. "From what I hear, Wild Magicians search the underlying nature of magic itself, rather than casting charms."

"Really?" Ashley said, her curiosity piqued.

"I just wish he'd do his experimenting elsewhere. They say it's devilishly complicated, and every so often, one of their spells goes horribly wrong."

"Oh. That would explain the Poisson Distribution, I guess." Ashley said.

"Explain what?" Maria and Casmir chorused together.

"You know, a Poisson Distribution. Describing the probability of rare events." Ashley said smugly, thoroughly enjoying the way neither of them had any idea what she was talking about.

"Yeah, whatever." Maria sneered.

"You understood that? Casmir asked, dubiously.

"It's not an especially complex distribution. I'm just curious about the other terms of his equations, how he uses math to represent magic." Ashley shrugged, trying to appear nonchalant. Behind the facade, thought, her mind was working furiously. Math describes how the universe works, she believed, it lurks in every pattern that we perceive and when we don't see a pattern, math explains that too; that's why she majored in math. But this revelation threatened to shatter the walls between theory and reality. Could magicians really manipulate the very equations of reality? Could she? Is that what happened when the bats attacked? Ashley's stomach rose up her throat as she contemplated the possibility. That would change everything.

"Perton, old friend!" Casmir's voice broke into her reverie.

Dead ahead, a man looked up from his table, a grin breaking out across his face as he caught sight of them. The word "fat" didn't do the man justice. He was grotesquely corpulent. His hands bulged like someone had blown up a pair of latex gloves, and he had too many chins to count without staring. His gray hair hung limply off an oily scalp and a ragged fuzz covered the lower half of his face. Grunting, he rose awkwardly from the table and exchanged a hug with Casmir. Waving for them to sit, he collapsed heavily back into his own seat, in front of a table covered with papers showing columns of figures. Some were covered by a plate of pencil-sized cave fish; the thin red sauce that covered them had dripped across both papers and the lace ruffles of his shirt front.

"What, the Kith decided you were too old and stringy to eat?" He laughed, slapping his rolls of belly-fat in pleasure at the same joke he used every year, and leaving another red stain on his clothes. "Can't imagine how they passed up this morsel, though. I sure wouldn't if I were them." Looking Maria up and down he smiled, displaying a mouth full of missing teeth. Where he did have two teeth together, the gaps were full of fish scraps.

"Mrena here is a runaway that washed up at our dig site this season. Wasn't-"

"Damn but I wish she'd washed up here in the Cove instead. Plenty of meat on her, yes indeed." Perton didn't try to hide the way he was checking out Maria's tits.

Still annoyed at how Casmir was treating her, Maria simpered, taking a deep breath for him, lifting her chest to tease.

Casmir's brow clouded momentarily in annoyance at Perton's lechery and Maria's flirting, but he persisted gamely. "As it turns out, Perton..." He said, emphasizing his name to draw the man's attention away from Maria's tits. "...she's a scribe. A book-keeper like you."

"Like me? Oh, no, she's nothing like me. And I'm very glad of that." He said, gaze returning to Maria.

The man was gross, but Maria saw the effect her flirting had on Casmir, and it made her even more determined to provoke him. Serves him right, she thought, for the way he treated her. She crossed her arms under her tits to lift them up, and leaned forwards. "What are you working on, Mr. Perton?" Maria said with false interest, laughing inside at the way she was teasing them both.

"What? This?" He said, tearing his eyes away from her chest. "Nothing. Nothing that would interest a beautiful young treat like you."

"Actually..." Casmir cleared his throat to get their attention. "As I tried to tell you, she's a scribe. She got my logbooks organized and everything this season. Had some great ideas about dividing up costs fairly, too."

"Indeed?" Perton asked, drawing out the last syllable. His piggy eyes narrowed and Maria realized that he was seeing her for the first time, not just a piece of meat.

"I don't have my CPA license yet, but..." Maria explained.

"You're an apprentice, then? Or a journeyman?" Perton asked, understanding the part about not having a license.

"I guess...I'm sort of in-between. I've finished being an apprentice but I haven't had a full-time job yet." Maria reasoned that described her situation well enough.

"And you, Casmir. You testify to her work?" Perton rested his hands on his belly, leaving more stains, and frowned.

"That's what I said." Casmir was happy the conversation had finally gotten to this point, but he was still angry about earlier.

"And you're qualified to judge?" Perton asked softly. His earlier joviality was gone, replaced by a carefully blank expression.

"I...I know damn well what's in my log books, and I know that only a scribe could understand them the way she did." Came the testy reply.

"Hm. Indeed." He stared at her again, then one fat hand flashed out, seizing a paper from the table. Waving it in front of Maria's face, he said, "What's this, then, hm?"

The sudden questioning startled Maria, and she was momentarily frightened. She hated tests. Taking the paper from him with a shaking hand, she looked it over, mind blank. Forcing herself to breathe slowly and relax, she concentrated. An account journal, that much was obvious from the running total, but what? The old man's handwriting was crabbed and small, Maria squinted to see the notes for each entry. Then she realized that they described quantities, and what must be prices.

"A sales log?" She asked tentatively.

"Hm." Perton grunted. "What store?"

Gaining confidence, she read the notes, seeing how they mentioned pulleys, ropes, and shovels.

"A mining supply store, I'd guess from what's being sold."

"And you say she just washed up in a cave somewhere?" He asked Perton without admitting Maria was right.

Casmir nodded, pleased to have his guess about her background confirmed.

Replacing his hands on his belly with a calculating look at Casmir, Perton continued, "You didn't bring her here today just to boast, did you."

Now it was Casmir's turn to don a carefully neutral expression. "What do you mean? I just wanted to see if she was what she said she was." He replied.

"Indeed." Perton didn't look persuaded. "And what are her plans now?"

"Well, she'll have to stay in town for a while, at least over the wet season." Casmir hedged.

"Hm. why?"

"Long story." Casmir rebuffed him.

"Hm." Perton, though, refused to be baited.

Maria jumped into the silence. "Hey, wait a minute. This is me we're talking about here. Don't you think you should be asking me?!"

The two men looked at her mutely.

Turning to Ashley for support, Erica said, "Ashley, help me out here."

"Huh? What?" Ashley shook her head. Her brain was too full of what she'd learned earlier to pay attention to the conversation - especially after Maria started acting slutty for Fatso.

Exasperated, Maria shook her head.

"Might be more trouble than it's worth." Perton mused, as if she'd never spoken.

"I think you'll find that's not the case." Casmir leaned back in his chair. "In more ways than one."

"Really?" Perton's spark of interest was obvious, as was Casmir's distaste in having to add that qualification.

"Hello? Hello? I'm right here." Maria said in a loud voice.

"Standard terms?" Perton asked; Casmir nodded.

"That's about enough..." Maria stood to leave and Casmir grabbed her arm, forcing her back down.

Ashley watched curiously.

"Maria." Casmir's voice was serious. "Y'r not a miner. Ye have a different gift, a valuable one. Ye need go with him now and learn the trade as a journeyman scribe."

"What? I--"

"If ye don't, y'll end up in a whorehouse by the change of seasons." His voice grew harsh and his grip tight.

"I..." His shocking response left Maria fumbling for words. "You...you want me to work for him?"

"I know how he looks, but he really is a master scribe." Casmir reassured her. "The best in One-eye Cove. He'll make sure you get a good start here."

She looked at Ashley, only to see the other girl nod her head and mouth 'go'.

"Heh. Don't worry, Sugar, I won't eat you." Perton said, good humor slipping over his face like a mask. "Well, not that way."

His last comment didn't inspire much confidence, but Maria decided that maybe she'd better follow their advice. At least it'd be better than sitting in a room all day with Ashley, she rationalized. Is that why Ashley said she should go? So she'd have the room to herself? What a bitch. Maria turned her uncertainty into anger. And Casmir, pawning her off on someone else. She'd show him! She'd show both of them, she swore. They'd be out there scraping in the dirt and when they came in from the mines, here she'd be, rich. Everyone needed accountants, and that meant money for her. And money bought new clothes that fit, and didn't itch, and warm baths, and someone to take care of her hair, and...

"Alright, Mr. Perton. When do we start?" Erica asked, turning away from Casmir and Ashley.

A smile split his fleshy face.

"Indeed." He said, gathering his papers from the table. Forcing the remaining fish into his mouth, he chewed noisily, wiping his mouth on his dirty sleeve. He handed the pile of papers to Maria, dropped his quill into a pocket in the jacket slung over the back of his chair.

"Your first assignment. Keep these in order." He said, grunting as he rose. Signaling to one of the formally dressed servant who waited on club members, he gave his farewells and lurched towards the exit. Maria followed him without looking back.

"Well, I guess we can only hope for the best." Casmir sighed as the wizard and Maria left.

Ashley looked at him intently. Did he do all this because he wanted to get rid of Maria or because he really thought it would be good for her? Or was he still worried about them being spies and Perton was supposed to keep watch on her? Ashley cursed her own ignorance about other people.

"Let's go." He said, rising to leave.

As she followed him, she kept glancing at the angry wizard. His head was bent over his work, one side of his mouth black from chewing on his quill.

"Um." Ashley began awkwardly.

"Yes, Vila?" Casmir said.

"You know how you just introduced Maria to that guy?"

"Yes Vila, I do know what I just did." He said with exaggerated patience.

"I mean...would you introduce me to that wizard?"

"Vila, wizards are not to be trifled with. Even if he did agree to talk, it would not end pleasantly."

"I can solve that problem he's working on." Ashley said abruptly. She won a grad fellowship to attend CalTech; surely she could solve whatever math problem he had, if he was stuck in a backwater place like this, she told herself.

"Huh?" Casmir eyed her. She'd stayed non-descript at the mine face, and he suddenly realized that he didn't know very much about her at all. Maybe she was the mastermind behind the others' appearance and Milka was simply a messenger, he thought. If so, what would the consequences be of introducing her to Mage Harinu? Perhaps he should consult with Father Tain. He would be the one to introduce her, so he would have to be informed in any case.

"Yes." Ashley said, with more confidence than she felt.

"I will...consider it." Casmir said, turning his back and walking away to end the discussion.

With a last look at Harinu, who had gone back to gnawing on his quill and mumbling cursing under his breath, Ashley followed him back to the room she shared with Erica.

Continued in Chapter 5: Doggy Style - Part 9

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