Terrible Company - Chapter 7 - Part 2

Chapter 7 - Part 2

"Hurry!" Mathilda roared.

"Oh, now it's a priority for my hands to work quickly?"  Ayen muttered under his breath about double standards as he poked and prodded at the control gizmo for the ceiling trap Ivy had triggered.

"Can't ye hear 'er screamin'?!"

"Not helping!"

Val squeezed her fingers under the only spot where she could get any purchase at all, and tried lifting the massive slab again with no more luck than she'd had the first seven times.

"Almost got it," he hissed.

"We can't wait anymore!"  Katsa shouted as she reached into her sleeve.  "Everyone get clear!"

"Almost got it!"

Just as Katsa reared back, the gizmo sparked brightly and the stone lurched up from the floor.  Everyone readied their weapons, unsure of what to expect, but they were none of them prepared for the sight of Ivy, clothes shredded, luxuriating on her back in a small pool of cum.  She smiled lazily as she stretched, like a cat just waking up from a pleasant nap in a sunbeam, while the others tried, with varying degrees of success, not to stare.

Ayen looked back at the control gizmo.  "I never get the sexy traps!"

Mathilda guffawed, and after a moment, stared around at the rest of the group.  "Are ye just gonna let that slide by?  Ah can't be the only one thinkin' it."  The others merely stared.  "Seriously?  No one's gonna jump on 'at?"

---

"Ah don't remember coming down this many stairs."

"Well," Val sang, looking upwards thoughtfully, "we did fall through the floor once."  

Everyone groaned in unison.

"What was the thought process there?" Ayen laughed.  "Was it that acid would eat through heroes but not the stone beneath us?"

"We're sooo not heroes," Katsa said, shaking her head.

"Well, no, but hypothetically, that's who's gonna storm your dungeon."

Mathilda, leading the way, pushed through a door leading out of the top of the stairwell.  She stopped to look around at the trail of bodies while the rest of the group slowly moved around her.  "Did we do tha'?"

Val pointed to one body, in the middle of the others and wearing yellow robes.  "That's the one that laughed at your hammer."

"Can't be," the Dwarf scoffed.  "Ye can still make out 'is face."

"You made that crack about his yellow robes, and having 'beat the piss out of him'?  Remember?"

"And then you laughed at your own joke," Ayen sighed.  

"For like ten minutes," Katsa added tiredly.

Mathilda snickered as she kicked the yellow-robed corpse onto it's back.  "Aha!" she shouted, pointing excitedly.  "Ah told ye this weren't me. 'At dumb bastard was stabbed."  

Katsa and Ivy peered over her shoulders, nodding in acquiescence, and then everyone took another hard look around the room.  

"Ah don't think we did this."  

Just like that, the six bodies on the floor were much more terrifying.  Chilling.  If someone else was running around, killing indiscriminan-

"No, wait," Katsa grumbled.  "These are definitely ours.  This was the... um...  the circle."  A collective groan passed through most of the party.

"Circle of what?" Ivy asked.

"They were... you know..."  Katsa made an almost-fist, and shook her hand back in forth in front of her groin,  "... in a circle?" but Ivy merely tilted her head in confusion.

"I don't remember any dice game," the bard said thoughtfully.  "I do remember a room full of-Hey!  Aren't these the guys that were all jerking off?"

Katsa groaned.  

"Yes," everyone else responded wearily.  

Ivy preened, feeling particularly helpful.

Mathilda whined.  "If these are the jerkers, then we're-"

"Not anywhere near the way out," finished Val.  

They all sighed as they shuffled tiredly into the next room and down a long hallway. When they got to the far end of that, Val began motioning intently with her hand.

"None'f us know what that means," Mathilda hissed.  "Keep it simple!"

"Fist means stop!" Val growled, holding her tightened fist in the air over her shoulder.  "How much more simple does it get?"

"Well it's no' intuitive!  If ye were tryin' to say somethin' like 'impending punches', then sure.  Waggin' yer fist'd be appropriate."

"It's really not intuitive," Katsa whispered, shaking her head alongside the healer.

"Oh hey!" Ivy said, as she passed Val and looked into the next room.  "Hi guys!"  She smiled brightly as she stepped through, and the rest of the party followed tentatively in her wake.  "Everyone, this is The Tailor and Mr. Tickles!  My 'rapists'!" she laughed, making air quotes with her fingers.  

Both men paled as they found themselves outnumbered, although it was harder to spot on Mr. Tickles.

"Please!"  The Tailor laughed weakly as he stared up at Val, who, along with the rest of the party, was eyeing him very hard.  "Call me Reg."  

"Larry," Mr. Tickles said, laughing extremely nervously and waving.  "That's what all my friends call me."

The leather grip creaked ferociously in Mathilda's grip.  "Ah wasn't aware we were friends."

"These guys were great," the bard gushed.  "They did such a good job of staying in character."  

Larry and Reg shrank under the ever-increasing scrutiny of her party members.  Mathilda's scowl, in particular, was most unpleasant.  "Can we... uh..."  Larry swallowed hard.  "Can we... uh...."

"What my friend here is trying to ask, is..." Reg added, stepping forward to address Ivy while studiously ignoring the glares coming from elsewhere, "Is there anything else we can do for you?"

"Awww," the furry one said, smiling abruptly.  "You called me your friend!"

"Not now," Reg hissed.

"Well, it's just that you've never called me your friend before!"

"Not now!"

"I mean, I've always thought we were friends, but it was... it was surprisingly nice to hear out loud."

Reg squeezed his eyes shut, seething in frustration while he waited for the shorter man to finish.  "As I was saying-"

"You're my friend too," Larry said, smiling.

"Great," the taller one gritted.  "Just-just great.  Glad we got that sorted out."

"Me too," Larry beamed.

"Yes," Katsa shouted impatiently.  "There is something you can help us with."

"Oh thank god," Reg whimpered.

"Is there a faster way out than the way we came in?"

Larry and Reg turned toward each other, mouths hanging open.  "As a matter of fact..." Reg finally answered.

---

The Employees Only tunnels proved to be an incredible time saver.  The dungeon had been laid out in an intentionally-dizzying manner, doing everything it could to delay and confuse any would-be assaulting force, but the well lit access tunnels were designed to be easy to follow, with multi-lingual signs at regular intervals.  On Reg's advice, they merely nodded at anyone they passed and thus were able to move, unmolested, out into the nearby forest within the hour.  A vast improvement on the thirteen-hour odyssey to get inside in the first place

---

"Can Ah ask ye a question, lass?" Mathilda said, as they piled logs for their campfire.  Ivy nodded exuberantly.  "Would ye ever wanna 'ave sex with 'im?  Ayen, I mean."

"No," Ivy replied, shaking her head.  "I don't think so."

"Ah mean, Ah know he's a bit of a ponce..."

"Standing right here," Ayen said, from the other side of the small pit they'd set up.

"...but never?"

Ivy squinted thoughtfully.  "I guess you can't really rule out something like that.  Like, if some evil wizard said 'you have to fuck this man, or I will execute one hundred baby seals!'  I could probably manage it then."

"What if it were only fifty baby seals?"

"Sure."

Ayen shook his head.  "You think you're very funny, don't you?"

"Twenty-five baby seals?"

"Uhm..."  Ivy sucked a long breath between her teeth.  "Hard to say."  

Mathilda cackled gleefully.  

"There's definitely a cut-off point somewhere.  Baby seals are adorable, but they can be pretty terrible when they grow to adulthood.  One of them broke up my parents marriage when I was a little girl."

"Well that took an unexpected turn," Katsa muttered grimly, from her spot at the edge of the clearing where she was working on some component materials.

"Ah'm almost 'fraid t' ask," the Dwarf whispered, "but... when ye say... 'broke up th' marriage'... d'ye mean that-"

Ivy intejected, "-that a stampede of seals trampled the building where marriage records were being kept at the time."

"Oh thank Rhogan."

"Absolutely obliterated it."

"Never heard of seals stampeding," Val stated, eyebrows raised, as she leaned back against a log with her whetstone and short blade.

"Really?"  Ivy frowned.  "Happens all the time back in St. Olaf."

"Ah'm just glad that di'int turn into a story 'bout a stud lion seal an' yer mum."

"Oh no," Ivy said, shaking her head emphatically.  "That was Dad, and it wasn't until years later.  Totally unrelated."

"No," Val said, shaking her head.  "Absolutely not."

"But," Mathilda stammered.  "But 'ow-"

"Absolutely not," Val repeated.  

Before Mathilda could recover, however, a noise drew everyone's attention away from Ivy; heads whirled at the cracking of a dry branch underfoot.  

"Hi guys!" Ivy said, smiling brightly.  

Reg and Larry waved tiredly as they stepped through into the small clearing.  "Fancy running into you out here!"

"Yeah," Ayen added emotionlessly.  "What a pleasant surprise."

"Would it be alright," the taller one asked, "if we shared your fire for a bit tonight?"

"We're, uh..."  Larry sighed.  "We're not really looking forward to heading home just yet."

"Why?" Katsa scoffed.  "Because the old ball-and-chain is going to smell the red-headed wonder all over you?"

"Thank you," Ivy said, swelling with pride.

"First of all," Larry snapped, "no!  We showered!"

"Second," Reg said, picking right up, "and more importantly, it's because we're going to have to tell them we were sacked today."

Larry stared at the group, "Which, as I recall, is your fault."

"No no," Reg said quickly, putting his hand in front of Larry.  "Don't hate the players.  Hate the game."  

Larry nodded reluctantly.  

Reg continued, "Rather than engage in backbiting and endless recriminations, we were hoping we could just share a pint with you lot and forget about who did what to whom, or was on what side, for a little while."

"Tha' sounds a bit convenient," Mathilda said sourly, "but who am Ah kiddin'?  Ye had me at 'pint'.  Don't s'pose ye brought yer own then?"  

Both men shook their heads.  

"No ma'er.  Ah got plenty."  She squinted at them sideways as she sorted through her pack.  "Ye boys strike me as Hooch men."

"Actually," Reg started, but he gasped and skittered to catch a bottle she tossed his way and never finished the rest of that sentence.  

Larry caught his much more agilely.

---

"That's evil!" Val gasped, placing both hands protectively over her groin.

"Sure," Reg allowed, "sure. But it's also effective."  He took another swig from the nearly opaque bottle.  "And, most importantly-"

"It leaves the tongue free to keep talking," Val and Reg finished together.

"Right!"  Reg laughed.  "See?  You're getting the hang of it."

"Maybe it's in my blood," the big Orc snickered.  "Maybe one of my ancestors was in the torture business."

"Are you..."  Reg sort of wiggled his torso back and forth, unsure of how to approach a delicate racial custom.  Orcs could be extremely sensitive about their culture.  "Do you... talk to..."

"I do. Or at least, I'm learning to.  I was orphaned among humans, and it was a long time before I went looking for my real family."  

Ivy sat up and smiled at Katsa, pointing emphatically.  

Katsa didn't look up from her work, but she did raise one finger as a kind of response.

Larry took a few bracing breaths and sat forward, speaking for the first time in a while.  "Can I ask you all a question?"

"Of course," Ivy said first, but affirmative answers from the others were right behind it.

"When you get hired for jobs like this-"

"Oh for fucks sakes," Reg said, rolling his eyes.  "Not this again."

"Come on!  This is a perfect chance to prove I'm right!"

Reg shook his head.  "But that's not what's going to happen.  They're going to say 'we have no idea what you're talking about,' which you'll take as further proof of a conspiracy.  It's classic confirmation bias."

"What conspiracy?" Ayen said, perking up.  

Reg sighed, resigned.  "Big Dungeon."

Larry was practically salivating.  "Everyone knows that the heads of all the biggest dungeon corporations are in a secret cabal together.  It's a fact."

"Sometimes, I don't think you even know what the word 'fact' means."

"It's a fact," Larry pressed on, ignoring the disdain dripping from his friend's voice.  "They've been controlling the Dungeon market for years, and through that, they've gained control of several key markets across international borders.  Now, I'm all for working the angles, you know... maximizing profits and whatnot, but controlling prices is-"

"I'm sorry," Katsa interrupted.  "Controlling the prices of what, exactly?"

"Well normally, in a free market-"

"Do not get started on that free market bullshit, Larry."

"But it's not a free market," Larry insisted.  "There are patterns!  Every time a Dungeon starts to lose some of its profitability, Bam!  Wiped out by adventurers."

"Adventurers like us?" Mathilda asked.

"Couldn't a loss in profitability," Ivy said, furrowing her brow, "corelate to, and be indicative of, a larger loss of focus for a business entity? i.e., Profits are down because people aren't doing their jobs across the board, which is when they'd be vulnerable to something like 'an assault'?"  

The rest of the party stared mutely at her, their jaws slack.

Larry swelled, puffing his chest as he circled his point like a lion around a staked lamb.  "But how would the adventurers know that unless someone sends them?  Someone on the inside!"

"Wait," Val said, "you're saying that this Cabal, whoever they are, are hiring people like us..."

"Through intermediaries, but yes."

"...to raid their own dungeons..."

"We use the term 'raze', but yes."

"... because... they want to control 'the market'."

"Exactly!"

"And which market is this?" Katsa asked.

"Oh, it's all very complex.  They've got their hands in a lot of pots, but the point is-"

"The point is," Reg yelled, "that if they let you, you'd prattle on about this nonsense for hours without making a point or presenting even one shred of actual proof!  Just a load of rubbish and conjecture!"

"Big Dungeon is trying to take the humanoids out of the equation.  Pretty soon you'll walk into a dungeon, get on a conveyor belt, and just follow the signs to your gruesome death.  It'll be golems and automatons from end to end!"

"Who the hell just walks into a dungeon?!"

"That's not the point!"

As the argument grew in fury, as it had many times before, Katsa looked up from her work.  Mathilda and Val were already staring in the same direction.  Ayen was nowhere to be seen.  

Heavy thumping, heading toward them, crashing through the underbrush.  Crushing fallen trees like twigs.  

Val held up one tightened fist where everyone could see it, and they all nodded.  It didn't matter which interpretation of the motion they chose.    

Each footfall was a terrible whump!  

Val eased her broadsword out of its scabbard, and the others likewise-readied themselves.

Whump whump!

Suddenly, one of the trees bent near the top, angling to the side, and a massive ogre leaned forward into view.  It roared deafeningly, casting spittle and flecks of its last meal before it.  At least three times Val's height, and weighing well over a ton.  A second ogre, nearly as big as the first, stepped from behind the other and snarled, looking no less intimidating.

"Thorpy!" the two torturers cried happily.  

The second ogre peered curiously, and then roared in delight.  "Fawaaaaas!  No dem, no dem!" he laughed, pointing with a stubby finger as thick as Val's wrist.  

The first one stared uncomprehendingly.  "But... eet?" he whined.

Thorpy swatted the other ogre on the back of the head, a sound like two tree trunks crashing into each other, and pointed emphatically.  "No dem!" he repeated.  

The larger ogre immediately turned and grumped back into the woods while Thorpy babbled incoherently at the two torturers.  

Apparently, Reg and Larry had not had many friends amongst their co-workers (owing, in no small part, to Larry's not-insignificant body odor), but the ones they did have were staunch.  The two introduced Ivy and the others as recent acquaintances.  Val was the only one brave enough to shake Thorpy's hand, and nearly had her shoulder dislocated for her trouble.  

Thirty minutes later, the first ogre returned with a freshly killed deer, which they were happy to split.  Only Val and Mathilda weren't surprised when their half was the left half.  Katsa relocated herself for the rest of the evening, moving a hundred feet beyond the edge of the firelight while she focused on the enormous task of replacing all her consumable spells, but everyone else hung around.  In a move she would later regret (but not actually remember), Mathilda opened up her full alcoholic stores to the gathering.

"No," Reg said, shaking his head.  "It was a shithole.  It was our shithole. But it was definitely a shithole."

"Shithoe," Thorpy repeated drearily.

"You lot did us a favor."

"Don't say that," Larry whined.  "I quite liked it there."

The taller one shook his head as he clasped an arm around the furry one.  "My friend," he began in patronizing fashion, "when you've worked at as many dungeons as I have, you'll come to see that The Pit was about as bad as they come. The gossipping alone was intolerable..."

Larry exhaled loudly.  "I won't miss that."

"...and that's to say nothing of the state of it.  How many times did we bring up, at those stupid safety meetings, that the acid trap was going to backfire?"

Ayen turned to Val and Mathilda, holding his arms out to his sides.

The shorter one was groaning even before Reg finished.  "Thirty times?"

"Probably more!"

"Acid bad," Thorpy added, shaking his great, misshapen head.

"I mean, what was the plan there?"

"That's what I said," Ayen shouted excitedly.

Katsa gave up and wandered back to the campfire hours later just in time to hear Val and Reg arguing about which was the worst dungeon they'd each ever seen.  After numerous anecdotal proclamations, they realized they were talking about the same dungeon, one Reg had worked at in his youth and Val sacked many years later.  It was a good bonding moment.

Continued in Chapter 7 - Part 3

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