Yamara - Book 2 - Chapter 10

Chapter 10

What happened that night was so completely out of character for me I have trouble believing it ever really happened. Evart was gently shaking me out of my nightmare filled sleep. My body was sore and I had no energy. I felt cold. Not chilled, but so cold to the bone as though I might never recover. My head still swirled with remnants of the dream. Remnants of the intoxicating essence of the succubus that Brina had consumed and somehow shared with me.

"Thank the Gods, you're awake!" Evart hissed, sitting back at last and looking on me with concern.

I glanced at him, aware that he had spoken but unwilling and unable to respond. I had to many things inside of me I was struggling with. I saw that in addition to my own cloak, he had wrapped his around me as well to try and keep me warm. I could feel the wetness on my face, my tears in the dream had been more real then I thought.

Realizing it and remembering sent waves of grief back through me again. I somehow found the strength to roll towards the fire so that I was only a foot away from it and let the strong but silent sobs tear through me. I felt as though I had lost her all over again. Only this time I knew it was worse then I had ever imagined. James did live, and so did Brina. How and as what I did not fully know, but they lived.

Evart, risking life and limb in a way he had never known, gently laid his hand on my upper arm. I noticed it immediately, and though I did not feel reassured as he might have hoped, I did crave the contact. My own hand wrapped over his and pulled him to me somewhat awkwardly. Off balance and surprised, Evart crashed to the ground and half fell on me. He rearranged himself quickly and laid on the ground behind me, spooning with me and wrapping his arms around me as best he could. For this one and only time, I gave in completely and let myself be the cowardly needy woman I had striven forever against.

Some time later, at least an hour or two, I finally spoke. "How long?"

"4 days," Evart said softly. I nodded but did not move. I had warmed up some time ago but still luxuriated in the feel of the fire on my skin. It consisted mostly of hot coals by now, but a few logs still felt the lick of flames.

I glanced about and noticed we were not in the same camp we had been before. In fact, the entire terrain was different. "Where are we?" I asked him.

"Palungol," he answered. "We had our horses still so I lashed you to my horse and rode with you to keep you safe while your horse became the pack animal with all our gear. I knew that if you survived the poison you would be upset if I did not try to bring us closer."

He paused for my response, but when none was forthcoming he continued on. "We passed the highest point of the trail this morning, now we descend into the Barony. If you are up to it, we can push the horses a bit and reach the citadel in perhaps three more days."

I stared into the coals, seeing Brina's glowing red eyes instead. I snapped myself out of it finally. "Poison?" I asked, remembering that Evart had wondered if I would recover from the poison.

"Aye, I'd never seen the like of it before. Don't you remember? I tried to cut into the wound and suck it out before you fell asleep and it burned my lips badly."

I did remember, now that he mentioned it. I pulled my arm around and looked at it in the firelight. The wound was wrapped but a few moments of tugging at the bandage resolved that problem. It was angry and red, but appeared to be fighting against my body. Clear lines of normal colored flesh butted up against a line of redness where the poison that was still in the wound tried to wind its way up my arm and towards my heart. The actual cut itself showed no seepage of fluid, instead appearing as torn flesh void of any blood.

"Not poison," I said, understanding better what had happened. "Blood. Brina's blood."

Evart's breath caught behind me. "After you fell I heard a horse riding away. We killed the three that attacked us, but their must have been a fourth that shot you."

"It was her," I said, my voice resigned and weak. "Brina shot me. Then she rode off on her demonsteed."

"Lucky she's to not be a very good shot," Evart commented.

I said nothing. I did not know, but I suspected that she had hit me exactly as she had wanted to. I sat up then and turned to face him. He let go of me uncertainly, not knowing what I intended.

"Be careful, you've not eaten for days and you're strength is not what you might expect," he advised me softly.

Considering that I felt as though I could barely move, I doubted the wisdom of his words. I smiled weakly in spite of myself though. He sat up next to me, ready to catch me should my strength give out. I was not hungry in spite of the ravages my body had undergone fighting off Brina's poisonous blood. I knew I should eat buy first another unique urge overcame me.

I leaned in to Evart and before he knew what was happening my lips touched his. After a few moments he responded, though still somewhat hesitantly. It was not the chaste kiss of a friend or a sibling, but rather the full on passion of the most jaded lady of the night. I broke it after several minutes had passed and smiled softly at him.

With sadness in my voice I explained. "Thank you for taking care of me, Evart. You do not look the part, but you have the makings of great deeds in you. In another time and in another life, I could have and would have been yours."

He opened his mouth to respond but I stopped him with my fingers brushing his lips. "This will never happen again, for I am not that woman. I owe you more then I can give you and you deserve even more then that. Come tomorrow morning I will never mention this night again. I ask you once only to honor with that same privacy."

Evart nodded slowly, prompting me to drop my hand from his face. He was mine for the taking right then and there if I wanted him, for he surely wanted me. A part of me wanted him, the part that had been overwhelmed and imprisoned with me by the Yamara-bitch that I was. Another part of me hungered for his warmth as well, but that part was unhealthy and was alien to me. That part was the blood that Brina had forced upon me, craving to hold his still spurting heart in my hands.

I stood up then, a bit unsteady, but getting better as I moved and regained my sense of balance. I stretched and began some exercises to get my blood flowing. My strength was down and I tired out quickly, however.

"Eat this," Evart said to me after I nearly collapsed from my movements several minutes later. I glanced over and saw that he was cooking the haunch of a goat over the fire. I did a double take and realized the smell of the roasting flesh smelled wonderful. My only question was when did he find a mountain goat?

"When did you get that?" I asked, unable to let it go unanswered.

Evart raised an eyebrow at me. "I saw him right before I stopped to make camp. I figured he would make a good dinner in case you woke. If not, then he would feed me well at least!"

"You mean there has been a freshly slaughtered animal here the entire time and I did not notice it?"

He nodded. "You need more rest, Yamara, you are not ready to face the things you wish to face."

I closed my eyes and felt myself sway back and forth on my feet slightly. He was right. I wanted to… I wanted everything. I was confused. I needed to sit down, that much I knew. I took a few faltering steps towards Evart before my legs gave out on me and I crumpled to the ground. He was there in a moment, helping me bring myself back to a sitting position. I stared at his face for a moment.

"You're not a very handsome man, Evart," I said, laughing lightly.

His face paled briefly. Then he chuckled and helped me move closer to the fire again. "I think you got up a little too soon, lass."

He had a spit set up over the fire and from that he tore off a small section of roasted goat. How had I not seen the spit before? Things were getting weirder and weirder. For a moment I wondered if I had really not woken up from the nightmare after all.

Evart handed the meat to me. It was steaming in the cold mountain night air. I stared at it then looked up at him. It was true, he was not a very handsome man, but if he had a character flaw I could not find it. I wanted him. Wanted to kiss him again, wanted to do more. Wanted to do things to him I had never done with another man, or at least not done for the same reasons.

The smell of the meat in my hand brought my attention back around to it. I stuffed it into my mouth and as soon as I tasted it I chomped hungrily on it. In seconds it was gone and I was reaching for more. All thoughts of Evart were out of my mind now, I had focus only for eating.

Evart backed away from me as I tore into the roasted leg. I bit into it and ate from it as an animal, tearing away at it almost desperately. I had no conscious involvement in what was happening, instead I simply knew I was sating my desire. Impossibly, it was soon gone down to the bone. I reached for the bone with the intention of cracking it open to suck out the marrow when Evart's hands on my arms stopped me.

"Yamara! What are you doing?" He demanded of me.

I stopped fighting against him and looked at the bone in my hands. I shook my head a little and let it drop. "I…" I hesitated. What had I been doing? "I don't know. I was hungry."

"You need more rest, Yamara, that is what you need I think."

I nodded, sleep did sound good. Looking at Evart now I felt no strange compulsions towards him. No urges to love him or hate him. No urges to mate with him. No desire to plunge my hands into his belly and pull his organs out from his body and show them to him. I stopped, my mouth hanging open. Where had that last thought come from?

"Rest, yes, good idea." I finally said, moving as far from him as I could and still feel the heat of the fire on my body. He piled a few more logs on it and kept watch over me and the trail down the hill ahead of us. In seconds I was asleep.

My sleep was troubled again, but the quality of the dreams was different. This time they came from within me, not from without as they had before. These dreams were violent in nature. In them I found myself centered in scenes of carnage, scenes I had caused. When I awoke the next morning, sweaty and feverish, I remembered none of them distinctly and felt as though I had not rested at all.

My thoughts were clearer though. I remembered most of the night before and wondered how much of it Evart would bring up. I groaned inwardly at the thought of facing him, I had acted so foolishly. I hoped he would not do anything that would force me to kill him, I still needed him as a guide. I shook my head again to clear it; another unbidden thought, that one.

Evart checked on me and saw that, though I was clearly still fighting off the poison, I was conscious and much clearer then I had been. He offered me a tentative smile and proceeded to break down the camp. I helped where I could, still a little weak and unsteady. In scarcely more time then it normally took us we were on our horses and ready to move out. Evart handed me some strips of spiced and dried meat which I chewed on as our horses picked their way down the wide mountain trail.

I was so caught up in my own memories and thoughts that it was not until well after the midday that I realized we had not seen any other traffic along the road. A wide and well used road, the only direct route from Palungol to Trollhome, and we were the only people upon it? Something was amiss.

"Where are the people?" I asked after taking an unsatisfying drink from my waterskin.

"I've not seen anyone since we were attacked," Evart answered, making me feel even more ill at ease. "They know we are coming, perhaps they fear us."

"Damn well better," I muttered, slipping back into a darkly introspective mood.

That night at camp Evart's bow brought down a mountain lion. Far from an ideal dinner, cats are usually rather greasy and stringy. I did not notice, eating with nearly as much gusto as I had the night before. After dinner Evart and I sat silently around the fire. My arm ached near the wound as the alien blood tried to fight past the healing powers of the potion I had imbibed. My heart thudded dully in my chest and my head throbbed with each pulse.

"I lied," I said quietly, desperate for something to take my mind off of the condition my body was in. Evart looked up at me, a questioning look on his face. He clearly was not going to offer any conversation until he knew what I had in mind. I chalked up a point for him in my mental book of respect.

"Brina was not really my sister. She more then a sister and a friend," I admitted after starting and stopping several times. "And I killed her."

Evart nodded and listened, relaxing a little. I think he feared I was going to bring up last night, which clearly had left him uncomfortable. I ignored him this time though, instead focusing on myself and forcing myself to relive those final moments in my head again. Not Brina's memory this time, but my own. My own that I had lied and deceived myself with time and again. I stripped off those lies and forced myself to see it again as it happened.

"James had a wounded shoulder and he grabbed her up to use her as a shield. His dagger was at her throat and his sword on the floor. He lied to her and demanded I leave, but I could not. My pride would not let me leave. I… I had to know that he couldn't use her against me." I stopped for a moment. This desire for a cathartic release was eating away at me. I blamed it on the poison.

"I wanted Brina to come with me, of course, but we had grown so close it scared me. And then when James started pulling us apart, I guess I went a little crazy. I didn't know what to do. I thought I knew when I saw him holding her like that. The person I had learned to be growing up in a pit of thieves, assassins, murderers, and smugglers knew the answer to my problems. And that person took over."

I took a deep breath and ignored the tears falling down my cheeks. "I said to her, 'I can't let him use you against me.'. Then I shoved my sword into her stomach and through her, into him. She knew what was going to happen, she knew and she tried to escape. She broke his nose with the back of her head and tried to slip away from his dagger."

"But not in time?" Evart asked, finishing the story I let hang as I sorted myself out and renewed my strength for the telling of the story.

"No, not in time," I echoed. "I drove my dagger into James' throat and knelt next to Brina. She could not talk, her mouth was full of blood. The machine that I had been collapsed and I understood what had happened. Brina had gotten inside of me, Evart. She had changed me. No matter how bad I want to stop hurting, no matter how bad I want to go back and be that cold bitch who cared about nothing and no one except myself, I can't."

I stared at him for a long moment, daring him to say something. Begging him to say something. I was confused and sick of it and with it. My head was thick with emotion and infection.

"I can't give you absolution, Yamara," Evart finally said. "Closure only you can find, and I think this quest will give it to you. Either that or it will kill you, and then you will not care anymore. I feel pity for you only in that you found the one thing worth any sacrifice for only after it was too late to do anything with it."

"This is love?" I spat out. "I used to be certain of my every move. I used to be able to trust myself. If I came across who I am now a few years ago, I would have done myself a favor and put me out of my misery!"

Evart smiled mischievously. "I am glad I did not know you a few years ago, you sound like you were truly a dangerous person. The type of person who would cut my throat at the drop of a hat."

I stared at him thickly for a moment before I realized what he was talking about. When I had first met him I thought he might have been a spy waiting for me to show up. My dagger had cut cleanly through his throat, dooming him has it not been for his magical S.E.T. pendant that carried a one use only healing charge of magic in it. I had one as well, but continued to forget about it when it might come in handy. I considered using it now to fight off this poison that coursed through my body. I stayed my hand though, remembering how my healing potion I had drank only stayed the poison when it should have healed it.

"You are either a fool to think that you can enjoy a full life needing only yourself or sadly misled," Evart continued after he saw the recognition in my eyes. His words were harsh, but his tone soft enough to make me consider them.

"In Gneiss it would be no thing to find love among women or among men. In Elendar things are different, that sort of thing is discouraged because such a union produces no children, and we can always use all the children we can get; they are the future of the nation. Nevertheless, it is a freer kingdom then many around and none would have openly opposed such a union."

I chuckled. "I have known men and women a plenty in my time, Evart, that does not bother me and never has."

"I see," Evart said thoughtfully.

"Do you?" I asked darkly. It was a rhetorical question that needed no answer. He seemed to understand as much for he let me be for the time being.

I stayed there as the night deepened, hugging my knees to my chest and thinking about what had happened. Or what was happening to me. Finally, the hour to late for me to judge it in my condition, I finally fell asleep. Evart carefully rearranged my body on the ground and covered me with a cloak.

I awoke in the morning when Evart gently nudged my shoulder. I came up quickly, reaching for him with my hands twisted into claws. He stumbled away before I could get a hold of him and I stopped myself, wondering what I was doing. I shook my head and mumbled an apology, explaining that he had startled me.

"How are you feeling today?" He asked me, somewhat leery still.

I took stock of my condition mentally. I seemed to be okay, though I was very thirsty. I felt a little chilled and knew that I still had a fever. My mind seemed sharper then it had been, and for that I was thankful.

"A little better, I think," I said, then glanced down at my arm. The redness had advanced a little, pushing up my arm another inch or so. At this rate it might reach my shoulder by the time we reached Castle Palungol.

A gut wrenching spasm passed through my stomach then. Hurrying, I stumbled to my feet and over behind some trees and a scratchy bush. I fumbled with the laces on my breeches and only just managed to lower them in time before the sickness hit me. Foul liquids came gushing out of me, smelling as though something had been decaying within me for days. The smell added to my discomfort and made me sick. I heaved, adding stomach bile and dark blood to the mess on the ground. My eyes widened in fear as I saw the mixture. What was happening to me?

I stumbled back into the camp later, fiercely thirsty but no longer having any stomach pains. Evart looked at me with concern in his eyes. I shrugged and lied, "Mountain lion does not agree with my stomach."

"That or I'm a bad cook," Evart said, smiling.

I offered him a ghost of a smile and proceeded to help him break our camp. Twice more that day I had to make sudden rushes into concealment in order to relieve myself, and both times I grew more and more concerned. I had suffered no internal injury, nor did I feel any pain, but it appeared as though I was bleeding internally quite heavily. To offset the fluid loss I drank water rapidly, refilling my waterskins at every spring or mountain stream we could find.

My strength returned with each passing hour, and the dull haze in my head receded to a distant fog. The ache in my arm never abated, and at times my heart beat so loudly in my chest I thought Evart could hear it.

Dinner that night consisted of two rabbits and a squirrel that Evart brought down throughout the day. We cooked our own meat, since we had separate critters to roast. Mine had only been lightly scorched on the outside before I could stand the wait no more and had to try it. The coney tasted far better then it had in the past.

Evart glanced over at me at one point and nearly dropped his rabbit into the fire. "Yamara!" He said, shocked at my behavior.

I looked at him, wondering what was bothering him. He reached over slowly and I had to momentarily fight the urge to snap at his finger with my teeth. He touched my cheek and pulled his finger back, showing it to me. It was covered in blood. I looked down at the rabbit in my hands and saw that it was only marginally cooked on the outside, the deeper, tastier pieces of meat were still raw. My own eyes grew wide at this and I dropped it from me.

"What's happening to me, Evart?" I asked, my voice faltering.

"It must be the poison, Brina's blood, that is in you. It must be trying to turn you into what she is."

I nodded, scared. My mind had lost my appetite, but my stomach urged me to reach for the uncooked rabbit and scarf it down. I washed my mouth out with some unsatisfying water and sat silently near the fire, thinking.

The next day was much the same as that one, with slightly fewer frequent stops for me to leave a foul stain upon the ground. Apparently my stomach preferred meat raw over cooked. Otherwise the day was silent and uneventful. I was lost in thought going over the same thoughts in my head and discovering nothing new about them. Evart, whatever he was thinking, kept mostly to himself. I caught him looking at me from time to time with concern in his eyes. It was almost flattering, except it infuriated me to think that anybody felt that I could not take care of myself. Then I remembered a few times already during which I had not been able to take care of myself but he had stepped in to help. I wanted to thank him for his kindness and I wanted to butcher him for seeing such weakness in me.

The next morning brought us upon a rocky overlook of Castle Palungol. The citadel stood with its back to a cliff and a deep lake along half of the front of it. The main gate led to a road that ran to the northwest and the southeast. The southeastern direction twisted through some hills to come up to where we were at. The other direction led off through the mountains and hills to other, smaller towns and eventually out of Mardurin. Still no signs of people greeted us. Even Castle Palungol seemed barren and empty. We were far enough away that it would have been nearly impossible to see anyone within the castle itself, however.

"We will reach the town tonight, a few hours before dusk. Do you have any idea how you want to do this?" Evart informed and asked me as we stood overlooking the walled city.

"It's funny," I said distantly. "For months I have longed for this moment, and for over a year I have dreamed of a resolution to this."

"Nervous? Afraid?" Evart asked me filling the silence I had dropped into.

I shook my head and smirked coldly. "Numb, my friend. I am numb. I think the unstoppable fire that drove me to come here has doomed me. I think I died that same day I killed Brina. Only now my body has finally found a way to catch up."

I pulled the reigns on my horse and headed down the road towards the city. Evart hurried to catch up to me. "Just right through the front gate then?" He asked me.

I nodded. "Might as well, she's known we were coming for days at the least. He is her Master, so neither guile nor stealth will help us."

Evart nodded his head, slowly at first, then with a final resolution. "Right. Then let us see this to its end."

I pulled my horse to a stop and turned to face my riding companion. "I called you my friend earlier, Evart. That is an odd thing to me. I have never really had a friend before, but I meant it. Circumstances have made me a different woman then I used to be, whether weaker or stronger or better or worse I do not yet know. I do not wish any harm to come to you. I want you to leave me to this now. Turn around and go back. Go to Elendar and tell the King what you will about this, you might even find a pretentious and obnoxious gnome along the way named Fizzulthorp who is waiting for news."

He smiled grimly and just shook his head. "You call me a friend yet you ask me to not behave like one, Yamara you disappoint me."

"Death awaits us you fool!" I spat at him, growing angry. "We are surrounded by hostile armies within this land! We ride into the lair of unholy evil! Sometimes at night I have to fight with myself to keep from crawling over to where you sleep and ripping your eyeballs out with my fingers so I can feast on your brains, it is one of my nightmares that at some point my control will slip and I will do one of the many horrors that I fear I am now capable of!"

"Yamara, rail against me as you will, I promise you this; I shall not leave your side while my heart still beats and my lungs yet draw breath. My sword is yours to help you in this quest." Evart had never looked so serious or so handsome as he did sitting on his horse staring at me. In spite of his not-so-attractive features, he looked valiant and heroic. Truly the stuff of legends.

I sighed. "What about your vows to Elendar?"

He chuckled. "Which Elendar do you speak of? My vows are to the people that make up Elendar, not the lands upon which it sits. I promised my service to King Avercrombie and he in turn is pledged to protect the people. You are one of those people, Yamara. Whether you acknowledge it or not, without people who live and think and feel as you do, Elendar is nothing but a dying tract of land. Thus, in a sense, I have now sworn to protect you twice."

I shook my head. To many things were on my mind to follow his logic. I just shrugged and faced ahead again. Finally, after a few long moments of silence between us I prodded my horse into action and headed down the road anew. "Then let us ride."

Continued in Chapter 11

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